Current...Past...Sin...Alexander...Forum...Notes...Survey...D-land

The Truth Hurts
2002-12-22 - 5:18 p.m.

I had to think. At least, I had to think of something other than Sindor. Whenever he was around, I felt guilty thinking about anything but him. But ever since Ella and I started thinking about this school, I could not help but think of Jay. All the time I spent with him and the fun we had came rushing back to me like a tidal wave. As my thoughts strayed from Sindor, especially when I was on top of him, just hurt me inside. Now that I was alone for a little while, and no one was trying to kill me, I felt a little better thinking about the good days with Jay.

The school loomed ahead of me as I walked down the street. Legal things, I thought. What legal things? I did not like lying to Sindor, but he was so fragile.

I entered the house and walked to the study. I found the deed to the house, and I fixed it to make me the owner. No one really needed to know what really happened here. Besides, the name on the deed was not even the name of the murderer.

I walked around the house a little, checking to see what furniture there was. I moved some things around to make space in the front room. I pulled out the sword I had brought with me from the other house after I fed Sebrine. The light sword bounced in my hand as I swung it around. I pretended to fight my shadow in the dark house. Jay's vivid shadow came to me in that room, teasing me with his quick movements as I fought him. I was pushed down, and I dropped my sword. Then his shadow was gone.

"Just my damn imagination," I muttered as I lay on the floor.

Cold tears fell down my cheeks and made stains on the carpet. I was so confused that night, I was not sure if the tears were for Jay or me.

I will never be your friend! echoed loudly in my ears.

"Why, Jay? Why?" I whispered.

"Could you be friends with your lover after he betrayed you?"

I sat up, surprised. Ella stood in the doorway to the front room. I lowered my eyes from her. She came and sat down next to me.

"We have not really talked in a while," she said.

"I know."

"How are things with Sindor?"

"Why do you ask? Like you care for Sindor at all," I said, raising my voice.

"I care for your happiness, Lex. I want to know how you could be happy with Sindor when you think of Jay so much."

"I do not know what to do, Ella," I began to cry again. "I seem to not be able to be happy with Sindor. He is so complicated. I want a simple life, but he makes things more difficult than they have to be."

"Then just move on with your life here in the school. Show Sindor some love every once in a while, and put all the rest into teaching young boys and girls how to fight."

"I do not know about that..." I began.

"Lex, you and Jay worked so well together when you taught at the school in Paris. You were great for each other. You would share your rest together, but you lived separate lives. Sindor seems to not be able to do that with you. Show him how you feel about this, will you not?"

"If I told Sindor how I truly felt about him, he would be devastated."

"And how do you feel about him?"

"I love him. I know that. But he needs so much attention, and I do not know if I can give it to him all the time. I tell him I want to do something alone, and he looks about to cry. He still does not know about what happened between Jay and me in Paris..."

"So, you are going to keep it from him forever?"

"He does not need to know. After I tell him I love him, I go off and have one last fling with Jay. How would you feel if I told you that?"

"You may have a point, but he should know how you feel. Tell him you want room and time to yourself. Tell him you think it would be a better idea if you had separate coffins. Tell him you think of Jay far too much..."

"Alright!" I stood up and walked over to a window.

"Lex, I am just trying to help. You asked for it, remember?" Ella stood up and walked over to me.

She placed her hand on my shoulder. I turned around and hugged her.

"I should never be angry at you, Ella. I just found you again, and I am already pushing you aside. I will tell Sindor how I feel tonight."

"Lex..."

"You are prefectly right. He deserves to know how I feel. Take your time to look around the house. See what you can do to get it ready. I am going to talk to Sindor."

I left Ella in the school and headed for the tavern. Sindor was not inside. After prying Henmi and Adhemar apart, I learned Sindor had left a while ago after receiving a letter. I wandered back to the house to see if he had gone home, but I did not find him there either. I started to worry as I continued my search around the city, and I did not find him. I walked back to the school, wondering if he came there to find me, but I only found Ella.

"I have not seen him, no," said Ella, carrying a chair down into the basement of the house.

"The house is looking more like a school already," I commented.

"Yes. I think if we knock down the wall between the front room and dining room, we would have a bigger class room."

"Good idea. We can do that later. We should head back to the house. The sun is almost up."

"You go ahead," shouted Ella from the basement. "I will be home shortly. I just wanted to finish moving these chairs."

"Alright."

As I walked down the street to my house, I saw someone run into it in a hurry. I raced home to find the door still ajar. I closed it behind me as I sensed who was in the house.

"Sindor!" I called out.

There was a quiet reply from the hidden room. As I entered the library, Sindor came out of the room. He looked haggard, and his cheek was cut.

"Are you alright?" I asked, unnerved.

"Alexander," Sindor cried as he ran to me.

He wrapped his arms around me tightly.

"What happened?" I asked, but Sindor was in no mood to speak. I listened to his thoughts and learned of the killing of Brother Robert.

I didn't mean to, Sindor echoed over and over in his mind.

"It is alright, Sindor," I soothed, rubbing my hand over his forehead.

"No!" he shouted, pulling away from me. "How can it be? I killed an innocent person!"

"It was an accident. You did not mean to kill him, Sindor..."

"I'm not sure about that! He tried to kill me. How do I know whether I really wanted that horrible man dead?"

"Do not be ridiculous, Sin. Of course you did not mean to do it..."

"I'm not certain of anything anymore. With these new powers and urges, I don't even trust myself!" Sindor was becoming hysterical.

"You just need time to get used to them..."

"Why did you even do this to me?" Sindor shouted, anger flashed in his eyes. He was not in his right mind.

"Sindor, calm down..."

"You're the reason for all this! If you hadn't killed me I would have never killed that innocent man and so many others!" Sindor was shouting so loudly I was afraid he was going to break the windows.

But his anger of my actions was too much to bare. I grew angry at Sindor's accusation, however true, and I said something I should have never said to him.

"You think this is all my fault? If you had not come to Paris after me, none of this would ever have happened! I was happy with Jay, Sindor! I love him, and because of you, I will never be with him again! I doubt I will ever be happy again!"

Sindor's eyes flashed with pain now.

"And you want to know something else? I have no regret for sleeping with Jay after I told you I was going to be with you. I do believe that was the stupidest thing I have ever done. To tell you that I loved you was a mistake!"

Sindor slapped me across the face real hard. He nearly knocked me to the floor. As I looked back over at him, I noticed Ella and Adhemar standing in the doorway. I did not hear them come in with all my shouting. Sindor was crying. The truth hit him harder than anything before.

I left them all there that morning. I raced back to the school. I spent the day in the basement, which was securely dark. When I awoke I just sat there in the dark for the longest time. I had no sense of time whatsoever. For all I cared, I wished to never leave that basement ever again.

Alexander