Current...Past...Sin...Alexander...Forum...Notes...Survey...D-land

The Decision To Leave
2003-06-05 - 3:27 p.m.

I passed silently through the sleeping neighborhoods, merely wandering aimlessly.

I thought of our new little family as I wandered. The school now felt so full to me that I felt I could hardly breathe inside. All the scents mingled together until it became intoxicating. Adhemar's scent especially caused me to gag. And the smell of human blood inside the house was overpowering. It was worse than nights with lessons. At least on those nights, I had something to distract me from thinking about it. Fencing was the only thing to keep me truly human.

Being outside and alone now helped to clear my head of the smells.

How could I possibly live in a house with those utter strangers? I thought as I turned down yet another street.

Giving Sindor all that he wanted was far more devastating to me than I had expected. I knew taking in those two was going to be an annoyance, but this was too much. I felt the outsider in my own home. Sindor and Ella liked Henmi and Adhemar. And with all their thoughts on them, what did I really matter? I did not like being in the house anymore, even though it had been only one night since they had been there. Even with Sindor next to me, thoughts of them still flooded my mind, and I hated it. Why could I never rid myself of them?

Adhemar and Henmi were not my friends. I cared only for Henmi's well-being because Sindor did. But I knew barely anything about the boy. Adhemar I detested. I knew even less about him and I did not care to know any more. Now these two strangers were in my house, and Adhemar was trying to take over, telling me what to do with my own pet. And I could not ask them to leave just because I did not like them. It would have broken Sindor's heart if I kicked Henmi out.

And Henmi, the human. What an awful thing to do to a coven of vampires. Let us bring a human into our home to live with us. No nevermind that the scent of his blood is overpowering as he lies sleeping and unprotected. But no one can touch him, for he is family. How does Sindor not want to taste that precious blood? Every time I laid eyes on Henmi, I wanted to kill him slowly in my arms. Of course, I would never tell Sindor that. He would hate me for even thinking it. But, how many times did I wish to kill Sindor? How many times had I just wanted to drink from him slowly? Only love seemed to stop me.

Family. How I missed mine. Ella was great, but I missed the others. My brothers and younger sister still should be alive. Prehaps it was time to visit them. Leaving the New World alone again for the old would probably be far too detrimental though. Sindor would have to follow me, of course. Knowing only of his wants, to be with me. If only I could leave for a short time again. To be off on my own would be far better than living with those two in my house. But what about the school? I knew Ella could handle it, but the school was so important to me. Leaving after only two lessons is almost like quiting.

But how I wanted to get away!

I stopped walking. I found myself in the last place that I thought I would ever end up. Judas. I walked up to the gate and glanced up to his window. It was dark.

"Must not be home, or asleep," I whispered to myself.

"Now, Master, why would it matter to you?"

I turned to see Judas leaning against the stone wall, smiling. It surprised me to realize that I had not caught his presence before he spoke. I could smell the alcohol on his breath, along with the blood in his veins. Of course the little skank had been out living it up.

"It does not matter to me," I responded, fighting the urge to kill him. I still had not fed yet.

"So, what brings you back here, Master LeNoir? If you think I've stolen something else, why don't you frisk me and find out?" He opened his arms to me.

I shuddered. "I was just walking around. I had no intention of actually coming here again. Let alone accuse you of stealing anything else or... touch you."

Judas' eyes moved up and down my body. "Pity. I was so looking forward to a little company this evening."

"How about tomorrow evening?" I asked slyly.

Judas smiled ever the more. "It would be my pleasure."

I walked closer to him and stopped just inches from him. "I am sure you do enjoy the lessons."

Judas looked disappointed. I brushed past him and started walking down the street again.

"Ever thought of private lessons?" Judas ran after me, catching up quickly.

"Not with you."

"Why not? I can afford them, and I could use the extra tutoring."

"You have had two lessons. You do not need extra tutoring. Now go away from me," I pushed him back, picking up the pace.

"Ah, Master." He stopped to let me go.

I sighed as I fled from him. How annoying. I was suddenly reminded of Alastor. He too would call me 'Master' affectionately. I had given him a chance.

"But he deserved it."

I stopped. Ella came up behind me. I turned to face her.

"Alastor was different from Judas. Never compare the two again," she said softly.

I smiled. "I suppose you have a point. But how did you find me?"

"I have been following you since you left the school. You look so distant, Alexander. What is wrong?"

I sighed and gazed at the sky.

"Everything."

"They can not be that bad..."

"But they are!" I retorted angrily. "I hate them. Why do they have to be in the house?"

"Lex, calm down. They are apart of this family too."

"Ah, there is that word again. Family. Do you even remember our own, Ella? Do you remember Charlie and Wil and Abby?"

"Of course I do. I think about them all the time."

"How can they ever replace them in your heart to think that this devil family is more important than our own?"

"Sin and Henmi and Adhemar have not replaced them in my heart. We no longer have that family. We need to make a new one."

"No. They are still alive some where. They are still our brothers and sister."

"And what do you propose to do? Seek them out and tell them that you are a vampire. Do you honestly think that they will automatically accept you?"

"I do not know what to think. All I know is that I miss them. For once in this... death I have come to realize what truly matters. My life as a human was..."

"Shut up," Ella interrupted quietly. "You are becoming far to loud."

"I do not care! Let the whole world know what we are. Let them drive us away from here into the woods to live like animals, for that is what we are!"

"You are speaking of nothing. Charlie and Wil and Abby no longer matter, because you are dead to them. I am dead to them. You should open your eyes, Lex, and realize who your real family is now. Sindor and Henmi and Adhemar are all that you have left."

"No. Families care for one another. They love one another. I care nothing for Adhemar, nor Henmi. I only care truly for you. And Sindor, but occasionally I even doubt that love. He thinks of himself, not me."

"What are you crazy? Of course he thinks of you and your feelings. How dare you think that his love for you is purely selfish? Do you really think that he followed you to Paris because he wanted you for himself? No, he wanted to make sure you were alright, like the rest of us. The only selfish person I see is you, Alexander."

I turned from her.

"How many times will we have this conversation, Lex? Sindor loves, I love you, and if you gave them time, I am sure Adhemar and Hemni will come to love you too."

"But I do not want them too. I do not need their love. I do not need them in my house!"

"There you go again, being selfish. Do you even understand that you are not the only one who lives in that house. Just because you stole it does not mean that we can not open it up to others in need."

"Others in need? They had the tavern. You two were the ones in need. You had the stupid desire to let a human into the house. Tell me honestly, little sister, have you ever not thought about killing him?"

"How can you ask me such a thing?"

"Because that is what you are, Ella, a killer. Has the scent of him not filled your mind to the point where you need the blood?"

"Why are you doing this?"

"Answer me!"

"Yes, it has! Are you happy now?"

"Ella, how can you think this will work?"

"It worked for you and Sindor."

"Only because he was dying. I would not have done it otherwise. I should have stayed in Paris with Jay. I was a fool to let myself have feelings for a human and now he is a vampire. I killed him. I took him the life he should have had. But, if you noticed, Henmi is not dying, and Sindor could not think of a worse thing to do to him than make him one of us. It will not be long before something happens to Henmi in a house full of vampires."

"What makes you think that we would not hurt him? That we would have enough control?"

"Because I hurt Sindor once. I thought I would never, but the hunger drove me to it. What will stop any one of us from not doing it to Henmi? He is right there."

"I have faith that we will not hurt Henmi."

"Is that enough? Your faith? What happens to him when the years pass and he grows old? What then?"

"I do not know."

"I have to get out of here, Ella. I need to clear my mind of everything, starting with those two."

"Where will you go?" she asked concerned. "What about the school?"

"You can handle the school. I need to get away, probably back to Paris. I need to see them, Ella."

"Fine. Go on your journey, but do not think that Sindor will accept you back into his life when you do return. You do not deserve to have him when you return after running off on him again."

"He will understand that I need to get away. But what about you? Do you understand?"

"I do not know, Lex. I suppose I do, knowing that you need to travel to clear you head. But I wish you could stay here and do it."

"Here is not a good place for me now."

"You are not even going to see Sindor before you leave, are you?" I shook my head. "What would you like me to tell him?"

"Tell him that I will come back. Do not tell him where I went. He will want to follow."

"Fine."

"Good bye, Ella. I will see you when I return."

"Good bye, Lex. I sure hope you know what you are doing."

I pulled her into my arms. "Of course I do not. That is why I need to go."

I left her there and walked toward the docks.

Alexander