Current...Past...Sin...Alexander...Forum...Notes...Survey...D-land

He loves me. He loves me not.
2003-01-03 - 4:37 p.m.

I sighed. I shook my head. Adhemar was so blunt and hurtful with his words. He had not a clue what was wrong with me, nor did he understand that yelling at me and threatening me would accomplish nothing. He felt he could just yell at me and everything would be just fine.

"I need to be alone for a little while," I whispered, not answering Adhemar's pressing question.

"That boy was not helping much!" shouted Adhemar, his arm holding Sindor tight, his eyes flaring.

I nodded at him. "You are right. But that was different."

"How can you say that?" barked Adhemar.

"I do not know him. I would rather surround myself with people who will not hurt me than with people who accuse me of everything," I retorted, raising my voice a little.

Sindor stood silently in Adhemar's arm, trying not to cry at my harsh words. His thoughts soon prevading my mind though.

Please, forgive me. I was just frightened and...

"Stay out of my mind!"

Sindor pulled back into Adhemar, cringing away from my angry exclamation.

"Just leave me alone," I begged, quieting my voice. "For a little while, at least."

I pushed past them and walked down the stairs.

Adhemar shouted at me, "Fine! Leave again, coward!" as Sindor called after me to stay and forgive him, but I left all the same, trying to ignore their rants. I walked back to the school in the dark night to find Ella sweeping away the debris from the wall.

"How did it go?" she asked, not even looking up at me.

"I rather dislike Adhemar..." I muttered, sitting down on the floor, leaning against a wall.

"What did he do this time?"

"He told me I had to either take Sindor or he would. I told him off a little and left."

"What about Sindor?"

"Crying, of course. I hate it when he does that. He looks so miserable and helpless." I laughed.

"How is that funny?" she asked, looking up at me finally.

"Because he is not so helpless. He does not need me for everything. He was doing pretty well for himself before I came."

"He was stealing things just to survive. Besides, Sindor would never have known such love if not for you."

"There is that word again, love," I spat. "How I hate it."

"You seem pretty hateful..."

"I am! I hate everything! And I especially hate myself..." I put my hands to my eyes as I felt myself breaking down. All the strength I had been using to keep this facade up was finally crumbling down.

"Lex..." came Ella's soothing voice near my ear.

"I miss mom," I blurted out of nowhere.

"Yeah, I miss our family too." Ella put her hand on my shoulder.

"She would have known what to do..."

"You are just as strong and wise as she was, Lex. You can figure this out."

"What if I do not want to fix this?" I looked up into her eyes.

"Do you not love Sindor at all?"

"I do not know."

"You must fix this, Lex. I am sure he wants you back desperately."

"I know that. But I still can not get over the fact he blames me for everything."

"He blamed you, Lex. He was upset. Hell, I would blame you if I could not get a good supper."

I snorted.

"Lex, I mean it. You did cause this. He had no right to hate you for it, he asked for it. But you have no right to put him through this now."

She got up and went back to sweeping. I sat there thinking about what she had said. But what if I really do not love Sindor? Then why would I have done all those things... why would I have changed him or come back with him instead of staying with Jay?

"Tomorrow," I stated.

Ella looked up at me and smiled.

I walked down the stairs to the basement to lay down. Ella called after me that she had fed Sebrine for me. I thanked her.

"I will tell him tomorrow."

Alexander