Current...Past...Sin...Alexander...Forum...Notes...Survey...D-land

A Change of Mind Leads to Arguments
2003-01-09 - 8:47 p.m.

The next evening I just sat quietly in the dark basement, thinking. Ella left me alone about an hour earlier. She wanted to clean up the house a little more.

I was mostly thinking about Sindor. I had no clue why I let this go on for so long. Of course I loved Sindor, deeply. I had for quite some time. I had just let his need for me constantly to overrun my true feelings for him. I knew deep down too that Sindor did not mean what he had said to me. It was true, though. I had started this relationship, and I should not be the one to end it, especially with hurt feelings.

My thoughts shifted to Jay though. The memories of him were still brilliant in my mind, but I thought I could move on without him. Maybe that was one of the reasons I let Sindor's needs come between us. I was always comparing our relationship with my past relationship with Jay. And that was not fair for Sindor.

I slapped myself across the face in the darkness.

"Idiot," I stated.

But why am I so confused? You would think with losing so many people in my life I would hang onto the ones I have now. I should have learned my lesson with Alastor and Ella. But no. I believed it was my fate to ruin my life for myself, and possibly others. No wonder I became a vampire. I needed to hurt others, I figured. Quite the sad life, huh?

Sindor needed me, and I needed his sweetness to quench my feelings for destruction. I had been an idiot, maybe even more. An ass, possibly. But I still could not bring myself to go back to him. Last night's argument was still fresh in my mind. Even though I needed Sindor, I still needed some time alone. This was not the end, but I needed more time than a few days to get over this.

I left the confines of the basement and walked out into the cold night air. I reached my house, and I found Sindor laying on my bed. The house was empty otherwise, except for Sebrine that is. He looked like he did when he was alive, waiting for me to awaken at night. He must have needed the familiar comfort of it.

I sat down on the bed. He opened his eyes. His smile almost reached his ears as he sat up. I embraced him, tightly.

"I am sorry," I whispered into his ear.

"It doesn't matter anymore," he replied, holding me tightly. "I just want you."

I pulled back, much to his disappointment. "I am sorry, Sindor, but I can not be with you right now."

"What?" he asked timidly.

"I need some time alone. For a little while..."

"But why?" he interrupted. "Don't you want to be with me?" Tears began welling up in his eyes.

I looked away. Why was he always crying? "I do, Sindor. But not now. I need more time to be alone."

"I still don't understand," he whined.

"Our argument that night, when I told you what happened with Jay... I became very angry, and everything became very confusing. I need time to just be alone..."

"I don't care what happened between you and Jay!" he shouted.

"I do not believe you at all, Sindor. It did hurt you. I think we do need this time apart to heal."

"But I do not need to heal! I need you! If this is about what Adhemar said about taking me..."

"To hell with Adhemar!" I shouted, jumping off the bed. "I do not want anything to do with him!"

"But he is my best friend!" Sindor shouted back at me.

His words struck me hard. Why am I not his best friend? I thought. "What?"

"He is my best friend. He was just protecting me, like any good friend would. He didn't mean what he said," Sindor explained.

I moved toward the door, thinking about what he said. How much could he love me if he does not even consider me his best friend?

"Please, don't leave me."

"Why is it," I asked, a little too forcefully, "that I am not your best friend?"

Sindor looked taken aback. He remained silent.

"So I am not your best friend?"

"I didn't mean it that way!" he shouted, running to me at the door.

"But it sounded like it," I said, pulling back from him.

"Lex, please?"

"Please what?" I said bitterly.

The tears flowed freely down his pale cheeks. "Don't leave me."

"I need to leave." I walked toward the front door. Sindor followed me, begging me to stay.

"Maybe I will come back to you once the school has started up." I stopped at the door. "I will be back in a couple days to retrieve my things, Sindor. Tell Adhemar, so he will not be here when I return." I moved to open the door.

"Lex!"

"Oh, and speaking of Adhemar, tell him that I want him out of my house." I left, despite Sindor's urges to remain and returned to the school.

"Where did you go?" asked Ella, as I entered the kitchen to find her cleaning it.

"To see Sindor. He is still sad."

"Why is that? I thought you were making up with him tonight," Ella asked, puzzled.

"I changed my mind after further thought," I said bluntly, sitting at the table that was in the center of the kitchen.

"Oh," she said quietly. "Why is that?" She sat down at the table.

"I still need time. I should not rush back into this relationship when I still do not feel right about it."

"I suppose you have a good reason," she said quietly.

I knew she was upset with my decision, or at least confused by it, but I ignored her reaction.

"I told Sindor to tell Adhemar I want him out of my house too."

Ella looked up angrily. "Why?"

"I no longer want him in my house. I rather dislike Adhemar right now."

"This is about last night, right?"

"This goes farther than last night, Ella. He has upset me ever since I met him. And I really do not care how important he is to you or Sindor! I do not like him, and I will do what I want with my own home!" I shouted, standing up from the table. My chair fell backward onto the floor I stood up so roughly.

Ella sat quietly, staring down at the simple wooden table. I left her there and went down into the basement. Everyone seemed to be angry at me that night. And no wonder. I was not helping any situation with my arrogance.

Later in the evening, I went back upstairs to find Ella cleaning up in an upstairs bedroom that I assumed she wanted as her own.

"I am sorry. I did not mean to make you mad."

"You just can not stop thinking about yourself, can you, Alexander?" she looked at me with fire behind her eyes. "Everything is about you. 'I do not feel like going back into a relationship right now. I want to be on my own so I can think about myself some more!'"

"Do not mock me!"

"I will do whatever I damn well please! What are you going to do about it anyway, Lex? Kick my out of your house and run down to the cellar to cry about it?"

"That hurt, Ella."

"And what do you think about how it hurt Sindor?" she yelled at me.

"Is it so wrong to think about myself for once? All my life all I have ever thought about was you and mom. And then Jay and the students. And then you again. Do you really think I only thought about myself when I thought you were dead?"

"Yes, Lex! You left Jay in Paris because you were only thinking about how you felt!"

"I left to think."

"You always seem to be thinking, Lex! Do you ever come to any conclusions with all this thinking?"

I rubbed my forehead with my hand.

"And what about when you ran off to Paris? Who were you thinking about then? Because it certainly was not me or Sindor!"

"That is enough!"

"I think not, Lex! And who were you thinking about when you slept with Jay?"

"I said that was enough!" I shouted. I was very close to hitting my beloved sister.

"It is never enough, Alexander. All you think about is yourself. I think you should throw me out of your house. I would gladly go right now, Lex. I do not even want to look at you!" Ella turned her back on me and started pulling off the sheets on the canopy bed.

"Just because I do not like Adhemar, you are going to hate me?"

"Yes, Lex," she said cynically. "This has nothing to do with me. This has everything to do with Adhemar!"

"Have I really been that cruel to you, Ella, that you hate me so much?" I asked quietly, trying to control my anger.

I could hear Ella crying as she stopped pulling the sheets off the bed. "Of course not," she said quietly.

"Then why are you so angry?"

"Because it is all true, Lex. You only think of yourself." She turned to look at me. The blood tears left stains on her beautiful face. "I find it so irking to hear you crying over how awful Sin treated you and how you hate Adhemar. All your weeping about how terrible your life is is just unbearable anymore. You had a great relationship going and then you have to break it up with a stupid argument and then sulk like you did nothing wrong! I hate to see you like this."

"And why do you think I did that, oh wise one?"

"I have no idea."

"And neither do I. And that is why I need time to think, Ella. Yes, I think about myself a lot. I believe there is something wrong with me, Ella. I need to push people away. It just seems natural. I pushed Sindor away when I had the opportunity because I felt I had to. And now I feel like I should keep him at arm's length until I figure out how to keep him closer without hurting him again. So I went a little too far, sulking around, but I do not need you to shove down my throat how awful I am. I know that!"

"Alexander, look. This argument has gone on long enough. I should never have yelled at you. I hated doing so. I just love you so much, I do not want to see you ruining your very long life by thinking only of yourself."

I crossed the room and hugged my sister. When I pulled back, I told her, "I know. I hated yelling at you too. And I hate this life. I am just too confused."

"That is why there are people in your life that love you, Lex. To help you."

"I know you are right. But it also feels right to take some time away from Sindor."

"Maybe he will not want you back."

"I would hope if he loved me so much he would understand. I need this time, and this time I will not run off to anyone else."

"Good idea."

"So, what are you doing in here?"

"Cleaning. Want to help?"

"Sure."

We spent the rest of the night cleaning up the house some more. We spoke of our lives in Paris when we were children as we worked. Sindor and Adhemar never entered our conversations. In a few more days we could open the school. I just hoped Sindor would be there to see it.

Alexander