Current...Past...Sin...Alexander...Forum...Notes...Survey...D-land

The New Voyage
2003-06-16 - 1:57 a.m.

No ships. None whatsoever. No ship had even left for France that evening, and none planned on leaving that early in the morning. I had searched the docks until it was almost sunrise for any vessel that could give me voyage. I should have known better than to think that I could just hop on board a ship and be in France all in the same night. I was ignorant and arrogant to think that all my troubles would just vanish when I wished them away.

I had cut it rather close with no where to go that night - I could not go home. Being so unsuccessful had caused a sudden panic in me, leaving me with no desire to hunt, though the pain of hunger was almost all too consuming. I was frantic over what I should do. I so wanted to be in France at that moment that nothing else mattered, but I could not be for lack of transportation. I was even contemplating swimming to Paris. How crazy I had become in those late hours, probably from the hunger.

I had fled to a hidden cemetery that I knew about before daybreak as I could not find shelter on any ship. I broke into the single mausoleum with the greatest of ease and hid in it while the sun covered the city with its consuming and destructive rays. The cool dampness was not exactly to what I was used, but I fell into a stupor rather quickly.

When the sun was just over the western horizon, I arose in the smelly crypt to severe pain. I thrust my body against a wall unwillingly in utter agony. I had not fed in days. I bet I looked atrocious. I placed my hands over my pounding ears in a vain attempt to quiet the throb in my head. I fell to the ground, shivering. The thirst was worse then than when I had not fed on the way home from France.

I needed help, and I needed it quickly. I was far too weak to search out for blood on my own. In a moment of utter despair, I did the last thing I ever thought I would do.

I called out for Adhemar for help.

I could not have possibly called for Sindor. I still wanted to leave for Paris. Not to see Jay. He was far from my mind then, but to see my family. I needed to mend that broken tie for I felt that I would not be whole if I did not. Maybe that was what was wrong with me. Maybe that was why I had to run away from happiness so often. I was not truly happy. Of course, Ella made me happy and Sindor, but there was still a hole in my life. I had truly cared and loved for my siblings, but my conflict with my father drove me away from them. Even if they were dead, I had to seek out a way to fill the gap in my heart. Anyway, if I had called for Sindor, he would have never let me leave alone, and I needed to make this journey alone.

And I could not call for Ella. She was already upset with me for running away again. If I asked her for help, she might not have it in her to care. She thought me weak and a failure as it was. I could not bare to ask her for anything else after asking her to tell Sindor that I was leaving.

I, of course, could not reach Henmi, which left Adhemar. He would probably rather leave me for dead but I had to try. If I did not reconcile with him, then I could never be forgiven by Sindor.

I screamed his name through the pain in my head, searching him out. I was surprised at how easily I found him. I saw him in my mind's eye, walking down the staircase in the school. He stopped abruptly and looked around. I called out to him again and told him my location before the hunger once again seized my body into convulsions and I lost the contact.

I prayed through the pain that he would come to me, though he had no real reason to do so. I had been so harsh, so unreasonably harsh. Just something about him made me cringe. Maybe it was because he was competition, and he could easily win.

I writhed uncontrollably on the floor of the mausoleum for almost half an hour before I caught the smell of blood. I heard soft footsteps approach and then they stopped. Suddenly the door flung open. Adhemar stood in the doorway, looking about for me. His eyes fell on me on the floor.

I tried to steady myself on the floor under his gaze to show as little weakness as possible, but it was no use. My hands still pressed on my ears and my body shook relentlessly.

"Well, if it isn't the great Alexander. Back from the crusades already?" Adhemar slipped into the tomb and walked around me.

"Do... not... mock... me..." I winced.

"And why not?" he asked, crouching next to my head. "What have you done to earn such respect?"

"Nothing," I whispered as I finally let tears fall, but there was barely any blood left to color the tears. They fell transparently.

"Oh, that is right. You have not earned my respect."

"Please, Ad...hemar... help me," I begged. The smell of a recent kill was fresh on his breath and it was driving me crazy.

"Help? You? Are you crazy?"

"Yes," I strained through clinched teeth as I reached up for him. I grabbed him by the collar and held on fast. I struggled to say, "I need your help, Adhemar."

"Of course, you do," he said quietly, looking gently at me. "That is why I came."

I let him go and fell back on the ground, hard.

"Alexander, Alexander," Adhemar chanted as he stood up and paced back and forth in the small tomb. "You know, I couldn't help but feel confused about your sudden presence in my head earlier. To think that you would ever try asking me for help never even crossed my mind. I really thought nothing of it as I continued my search for food, but as I slowly feed off some whore, I realized what had happened." He stopped and crouched next to me again. "You were dying."

I struggled to keep my eyes on him.

He continued. "And you needed my help. You were far too ashamed to ask anyone else, leaving me to clean up your mess."

"I just need blood," I tried to convey.

"Lex, Lex, I know what you think you need. But I also know what you truly need. Yes, I will find you blood to quench that almighty thirst, but you need a lesson in relationships."

I called out, "What?" but Adhemar had already left to search for prey.

A lesson in relationships? About what on earth was he speaking? I lay on the floor, writhing again with the pain as I anxiously awaited his return. My thoughts always returned to what he had said. I knew enough about relationships. Sindor and I were happy enough. I just needed this time to be alone.

Adhemar returned within a half an hour with two unconscious beings under each arm.

"You owe me big for this one, Lex. These two were awfully hard to scrounge up." He laid them in front of me.

I viciously tore at the throat of a young man and lavishly devoured all his blood while still on the floor. I took slightly longer with the second victim, again another young male. When I was finished, I felt a bit queasy. I had obviously drank far too much far too fast. I laid on the floor still, trying to recover. Adhemar looked down at me with concern.

"You doing alright?" he asked.

"I will be fine," I stuttered, trying to rise from the floor.

"Take your time, Lex. You have been deprived far too long."

I gave up and remained seated on the floor. I looked up at Adhemar with conviction. "Thank you."

"Do you think that is all it takes, Alexander? A quick 'thanks' and then I will be gone and everything will be messed up like before?" Adhemar's tone had turned almost vengeful. I did not know how to answer him. "Well, think again. You aren't going to get away from this this time."

"Adhemar, please, you do not understand," I began.

"Do not understand? Of course, I do not understand, you idiot. You have love here and yet you want to run away from it. Again! It has been barely a week since you and Sin have been together under one roof, and you can't wait to escape."

"It has nothing to do with Sindor," I tried again.

"Nothing to do with Sindor? How can it not?"

"Not everything is about Sindor with me, Adhemar." I felt my own anger rising. "I need to leave for my own benefit."

"Our own benefit? Screw your own benefit! What about Sindor? You think you can just leave out of the blue, without telling your own lover that you are leaving no less, and expect a warm hug when you return. You damn hypocrite!"

I jumped from the floor. "You can not understand me, Adhemar. You have not taken the time to see beyond your own love for Sindor. I have my own demons plaguing me and I must see to them. I love Sindor, with all my heart. Nothing would scar me more than to harm him, but he can live without me for a few months and I did not see the need to drag him into this web of confusion on my part. That would hurt him more. He is strong and can live without me. Besides, he has you." I stopped myself after I said those last words. The realization of the true meaning of them struck me far harder than I thought they would.

Adhemar looked taken aback. He drew away from me as I had moved closer to him in my passionate speech. I looked at me with a renewed confusion.

"I have been blinded by my love for Sindor, but you must understand that he is very important to me." I nodded. "You just seem to cause him more harm than he could ever deserve. He wants what Henmi and I have, you know. A partner who would be there for him, and take him out on the town once in a while. He wants attention. You are never there to give it to him." His anger seemed to resurface for a minute.

"I am there. I have spent countless nights with him. I am just not an 'out on the town' kind of man. I just have found peace in being alone from time to time, to collect my thoughts. Having Sindor around me all the time causes great surges of emotions that I can not handle when he is near. I have told him such."

"Fine. I can understand that. But this? This is different, Lex. You are not just hunting by yourself. You left and did not plan on coming back for quite some time."

"I told you I had my own demons to work out. It had nothing to do with Sindor."

"But it had everything to do with me and Henmi."

I shook my head. I turned from him and glanced down at the dead bodies that cluttered the floor. Even their still faces mocked me.

"Admit it," Adhemar said coldly.

Still I glanced down, "What is there to admit? You know that I do not like you."

"Admit that we are the reason you left."

"I left, because you made me realize the hole in my life, Adhemar." I turned to him again. "We had finally become one big happy family. We were all under one roof, and Sindor was so pleased. Having you around made me remember my own family. I had two older brothers and one other younger sister, you know. We were a happy family until I left so long ago. I wanted that back, Adhemar. I had left them on very bad terms and I wanted some how to make up for that. That is why I left. I felt the sudden urge to once again connect with my true family before they were really gone once and for all. I left because I needed to fill that hole in my heart before I could ever make a new family with Sindor and you." I paused. "Fine, I will admit that I left because of you, but not in the way you think. You must understand me, Adhemar."

"I understand that reason. I miss my own parents. But I think you are handling this all wrong." He shook his head at me. "Sindor is your lover, your other half that can truly make you whole. You can't just tackle this kind of an emotional disarray on your own. He is there to help you. You should have gone to him and told him everything. He would have understood instantly. You know, I am supposed to be out looking for a new home for Henmi and me right now because Sindor and I think that is the only way to appease you."

"I did not want you to leave."

"Well, that is not what Sindor believes. And you sure as hell had me thinking the same."

"I planned on you four to have a bonding experience while I was away."

"Some experience. I had to let Sindor drink from me today, because he was far too depressed to go looking for himself before the lesson."

I looked at him stunned.

"That's right. I gladly gave it up."

"I did not want this to happen," I began.

"Well, it did. We all think you are off on some boat headed for the mother land and that you won't be back for months. I truly thought you were running back to that lover of yours so that you would get your mind off of your hatred for me."

"No."

"Well, it was quite the surprise to come to your rescue. I could have sworn you left us for good this time."

"I really wanted to be on the ocean by yesterday morning, but there were no ships leaving. I guess it was fate to have you rescue me. Sindor always said I should find time to bond with you."

"Bond, huh? You know, I don't like this animosity between us. Never really did. I really think it would do us both good to find another friend in each other." Adhemar looked at me sincerely.

"You must understand why I have hated you though, Adhemar. You have come between Sindor and I." Adhemar began to protest. I raised my hand and stopped him. "Though you may think that you have done nothing, and I am sure you have done nothing physically, you have set a wedge between us. He bases everything in our relationship to your own with Henmi. He wants me to be more like you. You know that is why I hated you. You have been competition for as long as I have known you for Sindor would rather have a partner like you and you are so available."

"But, Lex..."

"No, hear me out. I told you I hated you. I no longer do. You have shown great kindness to me, and I thanked you for it. I can no longer hate anyone who has saved my life. How could I? You may still cause a problem between Sindor and I, but I can learn to ignore it and become my own man. A man who can please Sindor better than you could. I think it is about time that we became that family that Sindor and Ella have wanted for so long." I extended my hand out to Adhemar. "Brother, join with me."

Adhemar first looked at my hand and then into my eyes. He took a strong hold of my hand and shook it.

"Brothers," he stated. We released our holds.

"Good. Now you must do me another favor, Adhemar."

"I won't lie to Sindor," he stated abruptly.

I sighed. I had wanted him to do just that. "Adhemar, hear me out."

"I will not."

I spoke on anyway. "I want you to tell Sindor that you have found a house for you and Henmi. Tell him how wonderful it is and that you should move your coffin immediately to it for you believe that I would like you out as soon as possible. Then bring Henmi to me."

"Why would I do this?"

"Because it will be more beneficial to Sindor in the long run."

"And what about your trip?" he asked suspiciously.

"I have had a lot of time to think it over. And with your influence I have come to a decision."

"Which is?"

"I will remain here, but only for now. I do plan on going to Paris and I hope to do it soon. But I will not take this journey alone."

"Good. Then, I will do as you have you asked. I will fetch Henmi, but I do not see why you want him, or my coffin."

"I want your coffin to sleep in, and I want information that only Henmi knows."

"What am I supposed to do about a coffin?" Adhemar asked alarmed.

"You are a man of great resources. I am sure you will manage. I just need a better sleeping place than here." I looked around disgusted.

Adhemar gestured an agreement on the crypt. "Fine. But Henmi and I will not be able to bring a coffin all the way here. We don't we take it to a hotel near the school?"

"Alright. I will get a room and wait for you outside Le Petit Chat Noir. Remember, do not tell Sindor about me."

Adhemar nodded. I followed him out of the mausoleum and into the city. We parted and I went to the inn. I retrieved a room and then walked back to the front of the inn to await Adhemar and Henmi. They came shortly, lugging the coffin in the shadows. Henmi was surprised to see me.

"What are you doing here? What are we doing here, Adhemar?" Henmi asked, beyond confusion.

"I will explain once we have placed the coffin in the room. Come quickly." I lead the confused Henmi and the certained Adhemar to my room.

After locking the door, I turned to Henmi. Henmi had already begun to ask Adhemar what was happening.

"I thought you had found us a home. Why are we here with Lex?"

"He had already found a home for you two, with me and Sindor at the school," I informed. "Forgive me, Henmi, but I asked Adhemar to lie to you and your brother so that Sindor would not catch on."

"Catch on to what?" Henmi asked.

"I know he will probably hate me for doing this to him, but he will get over it rather quickly, I wager. Henmi I need your knowledge of your brother to make up for what I had planned to do."

"Oh?" he asked.

Henmi gave me all the information I needed to fix everything. Adhemar and I planned out the whole thing with Henmi's help late into the early morning hours in the hotel room. Of course, I made them promise not a word to Sindor about any of it before they left to return to the school. I remained in the room and utilized Adhemar's coffin when the sun began to rise. I hoped that Adhemar would be able to find a safe place as well, probably the basement. I fell asleep that night with the knowledge that I could and would better myself and my relationship with the one I loved on this new voyage.

Alexander